DnD misadventures
by Ludex Gray
Summary: Several idiots, a hot head, and a lenient DM come together to grant you some of the strangest DnD campaigns you have ever heard of.


The wagon creaked and moaned as it went along the old dirt paths on the way to town. In the wagon were several crates of supplies and an odd assortment of adventurers. The old man had been driving in silence for quite some time when finally he decided to ask what brought the mismatched group together. "So..uhhh who are you supposed to be?" he asked in a gravely voice to the nearest man. "I am Elyarus Perro" the man responded smartly, a sense of natural purity laced his words, but the old man pressed on. "But you don't look like none I ever seen. What are ya?" Unperturbed by the question, Elyarus simply said he was "a wood elf and druid." The old man gave a look of smug disbelief. "All these youngin's making up new races, I can hardly tell what the old ones are, you sure you ain't makin this up?" Before Elyarus could respond he whorled on the other man in the wagon. "And you! What are you here for? Yer kinda of a big looking fellow, whats your story?" A hint of malice could be seen in the glint of the man's eye as he looked at the old man. "I am Ricanus Wyrm, a dragon born on the quest for knowledge!" He snarled, somewhat proudly. The old man seemed to not care as he simply asked, "worm? like them little wigglin' creatures?" Ricanus looked like he was going to slap the old man "NO, not worm, WYRM," but the old man wasn't listening, he turned his attention to the last member of the party. "Hey, you You some kinda holy woman? What with that religion and such?" The woman had the right attire for your run of the mill gnome cleric, but there was still something a little untrustworthy seeming about her that he just couldn't put his finger on. "Why yes, I am a woman of the gods. They call me Pardonher. Would you care to make a donation? For the children?" she responded smoothly. There was something persuasive about her tone, and before he knew it he had handed her 5 gold pieces. An interesting group indeed, he drove on towards the town.

"What's that over there?" Elyarus called to the old man. He looked over and saw an upturned wagon on the side of the road near the edge of the woods. "Some kinda accident, want to check it out?" They pulled over to investigate. Some dirt must ave been in the eyes of Elyarus because he only seemed to realize that there was a cart and nothing else. Ricanus and Pardonher had better luck. When the dragonborn started looting corpses no one batted an eye, but it was a bit odd when the gnome started taking gold out of the dead man's pockets. They realized that the toppled wagon must have belonged to Gunther, the same dwarf that had hired them all to escort the supplies in the first place. Elyarus found a path into the woods by following the tracks, but was also severely injured by a falling tree branch.

It appeared that Gunther and another person had been dragged into the woods by goblins. Since no one would get paid without Gunther they decided to go after him."Dearest old man, since you know this route so much better than us could you please lead us on this path?" Pardonher asked the old man "Ya want me to go wit you?" he responded, still confused by Patdonher's words. "If you would be so kind." So the group followed the old man into the forest. It wasn't dark, but that did not make navigating the undergrowth any easier. A sudden "AGHGHGHHGHGHGH" from the old man at the front of the group sprung everyone into action. He had gotten stuck in a simple rope trap. "LETS SLicE him DoWN" Ricanus pulled his scimitar and had sliced the rope before anyone had a chance to stop the crazed dragonborn. After helping the old man up, they learned from the old man that a pitfall trap was up ahead. Ricanus moved his way closer to the front of the group, but no one said anything, they just let the dragonborn pass.

The hole was obvious, but when they came up to it the unexpected happened nevertheless. A quick shove from Ricanus and the old man went straight over the edge. Pardonher's quick reach to grab the old man's purse failed, but it bred suspicion in the dragonborn's mind. Perhaps this holy woman wasn't quite as moral as she seemed. The old man screamed from the bottom of the hole, he had broken both his arms in the fall and was not moving. "We will return swiftly with help after we save Gunther" Pardonher guaranteed him. "That - that doesn't make any sense since I'm the one in danger but okay," the old man grumbled as the party left him behind.

The group came to the edge of a stream and saw the entrance to a cave guarded by several goblins. Ricanus wasted no time and pulled out his scimitar in a desperate attempt to slice down the goblins. Elyarus crosses the river and makes several quick strikes of his own to the goblins. As the wood elf and dragoborn charge in to battle the small gnome cleric takes cover and sneaks her way across the river. While the fight rages on the Pardonher casts a spell and suddenly flames fall from the skies and burn what is left of the goblins with a radiant light. The cleric takes a deep breath once the spell is over and rejoins her comrades. A stunned mumble of thanks come from the others as they enter the cave.

As they walk through the darkness of the cave the wood elf and gnome walk deftly around the crumbling rocks, but the dragonborn's sight is all but obscured by the dimness. Pardonher casts a bright light so that he can see, but it wins no points in her favor, Ricanus is only becomes more suspicious as the gnome displays more of her powers. A small fissure in the wall is seen, but unfortunately it is guarded by two large dogs. The druid Elyarus approaches them calmly but they pay him no attention until he throws them a steak to distract them. The smallest of them, Pardoher sneaks through the fissure and finds a room on the other side. Pardonher crosses into the room her eyes seemingly filled with what looks like wonder, but it really greed. She sees about 600GP worth of treasure and while she is thinking of a way to get it out of there so she can pay off her debts, she hears the sounds that could only be the prisoners she was looking for. "Pardonher, what do you see?" There is no way she can transport all of that treasure by herself, but maybe she can get her party to move it for her...

The Gnome looked innocent enough as she exited the fissure. "The prisoners are on the other side of this wall, we will have to go around." She started off truthfully. "There is also a lot of gold in there, maybe 300 GP worth-" she was cut off by an angry snarl. Ricanus stood his full height over her small form. "REally? 300. aRE yOU sUre?" His intimidating figure forced the truth out of her. "I-Uh...well-um actually it was... more like 600 GP..."She admitted in a worried tone. She realized how this would look to Elyarus and quickly tried to pluck her courage back up again. "But I wanted to save the money for the children. The church in the next town is so poor and I just wanted to help them out." Ricanus was still suspicious, but Elyarus was still sympathetic to her cause. The party walked down another tunnel in the direction that the fissure had been leading and it was only a few minutes until they heard the sounds of a feast. Goblins were yelling and food was cooking, but perhaps the most interesting sound was that of a man crying intermingled with the sad notes of a violin. The party tuned a corner and saw a small bard performing a song as tears streaked down his face in the middle of the great hall. A goblin locked eyes with the party, but instead of alerting the room to their presence he went up to them instead.

"I'm guessing you came for your friends." He indicated the bard performing unhappily in the hall. "Well I need you to do me a favor. I am the 2nd in command to Glarg and I want to be King. If you kill Glarg for me you can have some money and your friends back." The group agreed to his terms readily and the goblin pointed out the way to Glarg's private chamber. "Before you go, take this one, see if he can be some help to you." The goblin took the bard off the stage and lead him to where the group was standing stealthily. "Hello" the bard whimpered, "I am Hannibal Flowers." He sniffled to stop his crying. Before anyone could ask he explained that he had been traveling with Gunter into town and that they had been taken hostage and...uhmmm. 'maltreated' for the pleasure of the king. After he seemed to finish this tale the Pardonher extended her hand in friendship, "It's a pleasure to meet you Mr. Flowers." He shook the hand, but promptly denied such formalities "Mr. Flowers is my father, call me Hannibal." Together the whole group went to the chambers of Glarg, the one Hannibal had previously described in way too much detail, and waited for the opportunity to strike.

Glarg was asleep, but his wolves were not. Once again, Elyarus tried to make peace by speaking with the dogs, but they were not very good listeners. Glarg awoke and began to attack. Ricanus pulled his scimitar out and attempted to slice the goblin, but accidentally kept tripping on pretty much everything. Hannibal fought with the ferocity of a scorned man, but even his swords jabs could not stop the beast. Elyarus was eventually able to stop the wolves, but the Goblin raged on. Pardonher tried to cast her Sacred Flame spell, but out of the corner of her eye she could see the treasure in the room. She could not cast a holy spell while desiring earthly possessions, even her patron goddess of trickery would not allow her to cast the spell when she was distracted by avarice. Small hits, bad jabs, and several almost fatal wounds later the goblin was leaking blood but would still not die. Ricanus made a masterful stroke against Glarg with his scimitar, and the goblin bled profusely from his wounds, but still it did not die.

For once in her life the Pardonher was more desperate than greedy, and with all the virtue she could muster, she cast one last spell. Counting on the goblin's stupidity, her voice echoed and boomed along the cavern walls. "GLARG, THIS IS YOUR CONSCIENCE. WE DON"T TALK MUCH THESE DAYS." The goblin looked around dumbly, unable to find the source of the voice. "Uhmm. okay. What do I want?" The voice boomed again in turn, "THE ONE YOU DISGRACED." Glarg looked around until he saw the bard. He smiled in recognition. The bard gripped his sword more tightly, a look of worry crossed his face. "YES HIM. LEAN IN CLOSER TO HIM," the voice boomed. The Goblin leaned in close to the bard, unsure of why his conscience told him to do so. Nevertheless, he followed the instructions of the Pardonher's words. As the Goblin reared its ugly face the Bard waited patiently as it drew closer and closer. Soon they were almost as they had been before when... 'it' happened. But this time, Hannibal was on top.

Hannibal steadied his blade and then thrust with all of his (-1) strength. "The Penetrator has been penetrated!" He screamed as the blade sunk to the hilt in the goblins head. Falling over, finally dead, Glarg landed with a loud thump. A golden frog was discovered by Hannibal, now a reminder of how he had hopped his way to freedom by stabbing his attacker in the eye. The party regrouped and congratulated each other before looking around to find Gunther and freeing him. He was less distraught than Hannibal had been when he was first found, but according to Gunther it had been worse for the bard. However, with the prisoners freed and treasure earned, the party made its way down into the town.

Their first priority was to find an inn, but while Elyarus had had enough madness for one day the other's were still itching for something to do. After cards, drinks, and small talk for a couple hours, Ricanus announce that he was going out. The innkeeper warned him to stay indoors, there was a nasty gang in these parts, but Ricanus feared no one so he stepped out anyway. Inspired by their companions courage, Hannibal and PardonHer went along. It took all of 3 seconds for Ricanus to start a fight, Hannibal and PardonHer serving as unwilling but loyal backup. The gangsters were nothing more than grunts, but it still took a long time to beat them. Everyone was hurt in the process, including the one gang member that Hannibal had talked into letting them go meet the mob boss. Every time the group failed to land a hit you could hear the dull thud of Elyarus's head smacking the window of the inn as he watched in disappointment. Eventually the the gangsters died and the one that they had convinced to help them was knocked out. Soon the gangster would wake up and lead them to their leaders lair...


End file.
